Hello 2021, it so nice to see you!, I'm so glad that its the new year i tend to love new years. i love the idea of starting anew. I don't believe in resolutions but i do believe in setting realistic goals for yourself to achieve in the new year.
For myself 2020 has been horrible not just because of the pandemic but i went through alot of personal shit that I'm still managing to survive. my boyfriend of 16 years decided he wasn't "romantically" in love with me anymore and broke up with me.. if that wasn't bad enough he did it through a fucking text! i was beyond hurt and angry there isn't a word created for how i felt, or how I'm still feeling. the breakup i can handle but its the lies he claims to be have been unhappy for 2years... 2 fucking years of lying to me of making me believe we were in a good place. the last 2 years have been hell for me i was going through depression and anxiety which are both new for me i didnt know how to handle it so i had mood swings i didn't want to do anything but stay home i was open and honest about this with him while im fighting for myself he was becoming emotionally involved with someone else! how could he this to me.. to us 16 years down the fucking drain! i cant believe it some days.
lets go back... we both have not been angels in this relationship we both have allowed other people in it. im not the jealous type but if you do secrets things and switching up your personality then im going to notice. i was the one that wanted him to be on social media in the first place (maybe that was my down fall) but i wanted to show funny memes with him. i didn't think it would ultimately break us. when i caught him flirting with another woman in 2018 i wanted us to end he cried and begged me to stay that we can work this out and because i loved him and i wasn't perfect i stayed .
2019 was a bad year for me mentally i was depressed and had anxiety i didn't like myself in any aspect. i was estranged from my family and lost my best friend a few years earlier and for some reason that year it hit me extremely hard and i didn't feel comfortable going to family gatherings that year so the first time i said no it was a problem. but instead of truly sitting me down and ask me whats wrong or what can i do for you to come and spend holidays with me he just held in his anger and vow i would never ask me to do anything with the family.
2020 came and fucked up everyone lives killing so many people. i dont know but that year i was awakening i could feel it i was coming out of my depression and the anxiety lessen as i was trying to get closer with him he would pull away from me. it truly hurt me. i kept asking him whats wrong i kept asking whats wrong? to talk to me but all he said was nothing wrong im ok we are ok. then a week before our anniversay he leaves the house to help a friend move and text me a long speech. out of fucking no wherfe! i think thats what fucking with me it completed blind sided me. we werent perfect but i never thought he wouldnt be in my life. i have to learn how to live without him. some days are better than others.
but it has awaken me i see him for what he truly is now. i thank him for freeing me to be my amazing self. the healing has begun and i turn to music for inspiration for distraction. im doing self-care for myself and it feels amazing!. this year will be the year i accomplish my goals not all but most. i just want to genuinely look in the mirror and love who i see.
XOXO
LJW
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